It's starting now, well, ok, last week

 

I started a new journey.  Ok, it's not new.  It's one I've done so many times I can't count them all anymore.  But I'm calling clean slate and starting anew.

What is this mysterious thing? Nothing that millions don't do every. single. day. Still, as I walk the path, I find thoughts running through my head and I want to write them down, so here I am.

I started Weight Watchers last Wednesday.

Why?

So many reasons.  First, I accepted who I was.  I can't lose the weight as I hate myself.  I have to accept and be happy with the person I am at this weight before I can change things.  May not make sense, but there it is. Second, I am uncomfortable.  Physically uncomfortable in my skin.  Those two things may seem contrary but they aren't.  I can be perfectly happy with who I am AND want to make changes in my life.  Then there are all the small reasons - I don't want to buy bigger clothes, I want to live longer, I want to be able to be more active (once my stupid ankles heal,) etc, etc.

But I'm scared.  Why? Because I've been down this road so many, many times.  So many failures.  I've written about that before so I won't rehash here.  I cannot even guess at the heartache that is ahead of me.  I will do everything right and still things will go wrong (story of my life, really.)  Maybe I'll even succeed, as I did once, losing 70lbs, only to slide back into failure.

Yep, it's scary alright.

Nevertheless, I am going to think that things are going to go right sometimes too.  And the overall net result will be a positive one.  I will continue to be happy.  I will continue to love myself.  I will not take it personally when my body rejects my efforts.  I will soldier on and persevere.

And I will write about it, here on this blog, because while I may sometimes be flippant, that isn't the goal and those who read ChaosEndingSoon may find themselves bored while reading existential musings of a fat lady.  That's ok, you don't have to read it, but I have to write it.